fulllife

There are millions of people who depend on daily medication. Thanks to “popping pills” for the rest of their lives they can live a full life and even have a pleasant one. Just think of all the people with high blood pressure, heart problems, too high cholestoral, diabetes, rheumatism, to name a few… Due to the growing number of people with obesitas these chronic ilnesses will only expand enormously the coming decades.

I am not a very healthy person myself. I have heavy migraines since I was 7 years old (I am now 57, so this year is a ‘golden jublilee year’). If not with migraine, I wake up with heavy headaches. I am also a woman with a bipolar disorder, also since childhood. This condition is also known as manic depressive illness http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml and it can really put your life on hold. According to my specialist people with migraine often are depressive and vice versa. It’s both in the brain, with those little neurons not transmitting well…

Add to those two allergic asthma, a bad back, digestive problems and arthritis in hands and knees (and several other ‘minor’ stuff) and you can see that every day is a battle. Yet I am a very optimistic person. I enjoy life (to the full), enjoy writing, have been working hard all my life as a journalist, very often disregarding my body that screamed for mercy. As long as I would move on, I didn’t have to notice those screams, and after I was done for  the day, I collapsed.

Now that I am older and wiser, I don’t push myself anymore. I have an invalid pension, can within limits do as I please and try to live a normal life. Since about four or five years I have medication that is well-balanced and well-combined for me personally, I even feel better from time to time. I have less migraines, my depressions are less deep so I climb out more easily. I have a wonderful doctor who even forgives me my drinking habit, which often comes with the manic disorder. Not that I ever get drunk, mind you, but “I like a few” so to say. Wine mostly, so lots of vitamins, my husband and I joke…

I realize now that my life has been hard on me ever since I was a child. I often wonder how I have managed to stay in the “normal” day-to-day circuit for so long, doing 40 hours jobs that turn out to be 60 hours per week - and more. Having friends, (unstable) relationships, a difficult family life… Quite an achievement, if I may say so.

There is one thing though I hate… Popping pills. Eight to ten a day. For (or against, whichever you prefer) my migraine, my bipolar disorder and my stomach. I know they keep me in business, but I hate it anyway. I will have to take them for the rest of my life. This summer vacation I was trying to take 1/6 off my anti-depressive dose - my specialist and I had conferred about this - and after 2 weeks my husband begged me to go to the old dose again. Which I did. Of course. My husband of 10 years comes first. He is the best thing that ever happend to me and although he is not the love of my life, we are a happy couple that fully understands each other. Which is great. Maybe one day I tell you more about him…

What I wonder about is WHY I so hate taking the pills. I mean, they have given me my life back. Without them I would me down and out forever. Is it because I feel dependent on them? Is it because it is so chemical (we all are chemical installations, I know, but still, some a bit more than others…) and they work in my brain? I have always been a very creative person. Would I be more or less creative without them, I can’t remember… don’t care to find out though. Is it the idea of having to eat them till my last day? Do I feel less because I “live” on pills? I don’t know.

I don’t even know if other people feel like that. I brought up the subject with some friends of who I know they are also on medication. My husband has a high blood pressure and has to take pills for the rest of his life, but he doesn’t seem to care… My friends neither. So am I just making life harder for myself than necessary?

Selfknowledge is the start of self-improvement. Yet you can look into yourself and not find any answers… Maybe one of you comes up with an answer, I would appreciate that very much. Or some of you might tell me I am not the only one feeling this way. That would be most comforting. Until that time I just keep on popping my pills and hating it.

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